Wanting as a conduit for change
& longing to be different
January had a particular buzzing energy to it. The familiar New Year season, ripe with resolutions, is all about wanting--and wanting, to me, feels like buzzing.
Desire to change often involves a flavor of wanting as well as longing. Sometimes it is subtle, soft, and maybe even a bit sorrowful. Other times, wanting can feel urgent, desperate, and all-encompassing. Our culture has decided that January is the time of year to think about change. I am most interested in discussing those uncomfortable feelings that motivate millions to go to bed on December 31st, confident that this might be the year they finally rid themselves of wanting and longing by finally making that change!
Wanting and longing1--what emotions are we actually dealing with, here?
Wanting: not being up to standards or expectations
Longing: a strong desire especially for something unattainable
Within these definitions emerges an essence of dissatisfaction. I’ll go a step further and also say that I sense a flavor of comparison or external standards creeping into these feelings, too. This isn’t necessarily bad; we are allowed to be dissatisfied and we are allowed to want to change. We also are very likely to be influenced by the world around us. The parts of us that feel wanting have legitimate reasons to desire things to be different! I am never here to demonize important parts of us. I observe in my own life, though, that sometimes my longing picks up experiences I witness in others and commands my mind to parrot: that is actually the good life! Upon further interrogation, I lack any evidence from my life that I should: insert life change here.
These “standards”, “expectations” and “something unattainable” can lead to change coming from a mindset of lacking. Perhaps paired with that is the belief that change will lead to that “lack” disappearing. A classic example is: “I won’t dislike my body anymore if I lose weight.” Which could be true, but is also not a guarantee. We don’t have to wait for our life to change to have compassion or kindness for ourselves right now.
Another thing that could be going on is these standards/expectations might encompass the things we have been told to care about, rather than things we naturally come to prioritize. Typically our natural priorities stem from either: habits that feel good, or sticking points in our lives that cause discomfort and wanting this discomfort to go away. Considering what is underneath that incessant buzzing is a crucial step to understand motivation and assessing whether or not that change is (1) something that is a genuine want/need and (2) what needs to take place for the change to happen.
From my clinical experience, reasons to ignite change that can be more sustainable include:
Remedy negative lived experiences (low energy, discomfort, or pain)
Improve/sustain health (this encompasses many areas)
Feelings in the body (Ex: feeling “better” when movement pattern looks a specific way or avoiding “X” to reduce stomach pain)
Habits to support/improve mental illness
Less sustaining reasons for change have included:
Pressure from others, trends, social media
Performing in order to “fit in”
A sense they “should” be living differently
Fear, anxiety, or intrusive/compulsive beliefs about food, their body, their health
Even landing on an area of change informed by your own internal experiences rather than external pressures doesn’t mean change will come easily. A few years ago, I was reading Pema Chödrön’s The Wisdom of No Escape and was stopped in my tracks:
“The problem is that the desire to change is fundamentally a form of aggression toward yourself.”
I have sat with this sentence for years: desire for change inherently means what currently is…is not okay. Or it’s not what you like (anymore). Or it’s not what you want. The intensity of the word aggression accurately captures the logistical jostling required in the pursuit of change: schedules need to shift, habits need to be birthed, and routines need to reorient. The individual may feel the need to ignore energy levels in order to meet the change, their typical preferences may not be able to be honored, and the risk of “falling off the bandwagon” is always lurking around a metaphorical corner. The actual experience of change can be, well, aggressive.
My work with clients has revealed the importance of honoring and validating our right-now experiences as we are embarking on change. We must begin to acknowledge that our current self deserves honor and respect and know that we do not need to change to be valuable, important, and worthy. We are not more valuable if we are: more fit, thinner, healthier, meditate more, eat more vegetables, etc. Rather, we are just a little different than we are right now.
Achieving this can offer neutrality and create space to look around and learn from the current wisdom of our lives.
Observation: Sleeping through alarms became more common in the winter season
Blame: What is wrong with me--I can’t stop snoozing alarms
Wisdom: Adding in a new habit in the morning may be more challenging than adding something later in the day
Observation: Screen time is creeping up each week
Blame: I have no willpower and will be addicted to my phone forever
Wisdom: Interesting, appealing activities can help me move away from my phone
Observation: Sugar cravings are feeling more present and urgent
Blame: I have no self-control around sugar and can’t be trusted with foods I like
Wisdom: I could ensure I am eating regularly, enough, and foods that are satisfying
What we do not want is fuel the flame of blame, shame, or helplessness around current patterns. The patterns are occurring for a reason; befriending ourselves seeking to understand the reason can be the most enriching pursuit. There may be pain in the present, however, witnessing the pain can open our awareness to the roots of our longing.
Maybe wanting doesn’t have to BUZZ; maybe it can be a wind chime - an invitation to take a look around and notice the beauty in our awareness of the sound.
No matter the time of year, if you’re excited to make a change, perhaps spend some time with the below ponderings:
What about this change feels intriguing to me?
How do I feel my life would be different from this change? Describe what would be better, worse, or stay the same.
Where in my life does this change “fit”?
What will I have to let go of to make space for this change?
If longing is ever present in your life, I highly recommend Susan Cain’s Bittersweet