"I can't care about this"
things I say to myself in the mirror
Cultivating apathy might be the best thing you can do for your body image.
Let me explain. But first, a good ol’ venn diagram
I was talking with a client about body image this week and as I heard myself explaining three aspects of body image and this diagram popped into my head. One circle is societal standards or one’s conceptualization of beauty we discussed in part 1 of this newsletter. The next is one is personal appearance preferences, or, what do they want themselves to look like? The third is one’s actual body, physical characteristics, and traits.
The purpose of this venn diagram is not to remedy, resolve, or prevent body image struggles, but rather, to offer a slightly different frame and think about body image experiences. A person can have a trait society values (in the example above, a big butt) but hate that about themselves (we would call that “negative body image”). Alternatively a person may long to be tall but their genetic destiny is to be petite (“negative body image”). Or, a person could have a trait that society does not value (in this moment in time), paler skin, but this person loves that about themselves (“positive body image”). These “traits” exist along this venn diagram which then will impact their experience of them. (Important note here: mental health can drastically influence one’s personal appearance preferences and sabotage any satisfaction/neutrality a person might feel about their body).
Self-acceptance could be easier when someone’s physical traits are in line with their dominant culture/society standards OR when their physical traits resemble their personal appearance preferences in some way. It can be much more complicated when the circles do not overlap. What we can do, however, is begin to see the ways in which society’s standards have infiltrated our personal appearance preferences circle and work to determine if we care about that. Importantly, it isn’t only “preferences” related to aesthetics — folks can desire a body that allows them to fit in airplane seats comfortably, navigate the healthcare system without experiencing weight stigma, and avoid commentary about their body from others. People deserve to live in a less complicated world for their bodies and it should not have to be an individual’s burden to out-think or out-feel the system that causes them harm. Nonetheless, it can be fruitful to examine body beliefs and and work to expand personal appearance preferences to include their own body.
My hope is that the consideration of this complex societal soup can narrow the focus of body image and edit down the internal standards that aren’t relevant, that can’t readily be changed, or that simply do not positively impact mental health.
Okay, back to apathy.
One of the most mentally jostling body image experiences of my life was my struggle with cystic acne in my mid-20s. Among the many ways I aimed to feel better - one “goal” I felt able to work towards was apathy. Not appreciation, not liking it, definitely not loving it. But, caring less about it. I hoped this might translate to me feeling fewer or less intense bad feelings about myself when thinking about my skin. Did this make me forget I had acne? No. Did it help me think acne was “beautiful”? No. Did it help me re-calibrate it’s importance in my mind? Yes! I aimed to feel the emotion and pain and create a framework to: hold the emotion, let the emotion go. I did not gaslight myself by saying things that felt like lies.
“I hate my skin” was felt, then gently offered “My skin is not the most important thing about me”.
“I feel unattractive” was felt, then gently redirected toward “A person I hope to be in relationship with will not only see my acne”.
I think it’s safe to say that cultivating a disposition of apathy will not always “work” with all areas of your body. Some areas are too charged, too mixed up in beauty standards, too traced with trauma to simply “think” things away. BUT I do believe this practice of apathy can be powerful, or at least fun to mentally play with. A few disclaimers:
Privileges will make this easier. Being thin, being white, being in line with society's standards will make apathy easier for you to reach.
Our direct community’s prioritization of that beauty standard will impact this; if our community does not value that trait, apathy will be easier for you to reach.
Our perception of our access to that standard; if we don’t think something ever could be true for us, apathy may be easier for you to reach.
The power of cultivating my awareness of the skill of apathy is that it illuminated to me the areas of my beauty/body that I have some choice in whether or not I have to care about it. This is powerful, because when I feel that beauty standard creep in, I can reply: THIS IS NOT FOR ME which helps me to let go of that pressure-feeling that can arise with “doing something” about our bodies. It also allows me to challenge new, ever changing standards.
Important disclaimer: this list is meant to be fun and thought provoking. By no means do I judge others for doing these things or valuing these things highly! It is a-ok to love/find confidence from these things. These just simply are not for me even though they might actually help me feel more confident (That feels like a topic for another newsletter). Take the idea and dream up your own list!
Not for me:
Self-tanning. Expensive, sticky, seems time consuming. That’s ok, this is not for me
Shaving/waxing my arms. As a hairy human, people comment on my arm hair. That’s ok, this is not for me
Dying my hair. I actually enjoy this but it’s too much money! In my balayage dreams. That’s ok, this is not for me
Manicures/gel/nail painting in general. They grow out too fast and make my nail skin (surface of my nails?) feel weird and damages them. That’s ok, this is not for me
Teeth whitening. My teeth hurt when I do this! I can’t care 🙁 That’s ok, this is not for me
Now, for the flip side: beauty practices I do participate in…either because I feel insecure if I don’t (uhg) and/or because I enjoy the aesthetic outcome (we are allowed to enjoy beauty).
Undoubtedly for me:
Shaving my legs/underarms
Covering my dark eye circles with concealer (I call them my designer bags)
Prescription medication for acne/wrinkle prevention
Grooming my eyebrows (again, hairy human)
Experimenting with my personal style
Styling my hair
I am dying to know - whats not for you?!
Excellent resources for expansive exploration further into body image/body justice:
I loved this one so much! Such a great read.