Going away to go within
Remembering and practicing embodiment
I spoke a few weeks ago about my seemingly never ending dance with burnout. In the midst of the worst of it, I booked a trip to Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health with three of my yoga teacher training (YTT) pals; it became a beacon of light on my calendar. The exciting “THING” to look forward to. Kripalu’s simple but idyllic campus is home to my intense nostalgia created by the month-long YTT I completed there in 2019. We wandered in on Friday afternoon in shockingly warm October air. Looking around, four years felt long: signs changed, spaces were equipped with new furniture, and new signs permitted cell phone use in more places. In many ways, it still felt like a home away from home.
Of course, this time around, we were not on a strict training schedule from 6:30AM to 5PM. Before bed on Friday, we discussed the pro’s and con’s of attending the 6:30AM yoga class. We talked about what we wanted for the weekend. We said over and over I can’t believe we’re here. (We decided to not go to yoga.)
Sitting on the bottom bunk of an iron bunk bed, I hoped this weekend could be a way I could spend some quality time with myself. My friends felt the same way. Almost immediately, a theme of desiring embodiment arose between us. Our conversations were dotted with the reasons embodiment slips away from us: busy lives, daily/weekly commitments, showing up for others, and, some avoidance.
Embodiment has been characterized by the research of Niva Piran. Embodiment occurs on a spectrum (positive to negative) and within multiple domains (mental, physical, and social power and relational connections) (1). Embodiment, as a construct, includes our experience in our bodies in relation to culture and the external environment. There are dozens of academic journals and countless books on this topic: it is complex and I hope to write about the nuance in the future.
When I thought about embodiment and setting the intention to practice embodiment this weekend, I aimed to: be with my body (physical sensations and thoughts or emotions), to feel (not intellectualize) what arose, and to try my best to not judge or fear what came up.
Being with our bodies can have risk: what if what we find hurts our heart? Makes us feel scared? Reveals a truth we’re hiding from? I have a really active part whose good work in my system consists of side stepping my pain/suffering through avoidance or numbing; embodiment scares this part.
Though sometimes embodiment just happens to us, I wanted to create some space to practice embodiment. Those special times that we are struck with genuine presence in a moment of wonder or awe on a hike are amazing -- but I wasn’t going to chance an encounter with embodiment. Facilitated embodiment allows us to create togetherness with our body. I aimed to do this in these specific ways:
Listen to and honor my body’s cues (hunger/fullness, satisfaction, energy levels, etc.)
Create space for more demanding emotions to arise
Reduce distractions
Pursue experiences for my body that are outside my typical physical experiences
This list resulted in some pretty simple things. I drank icy glasses of fresh apple cider. I slept in. I laid on a couch and read my book and parked myself on a bench and wrote in my journal. I sipped on salty miso soup. I stared at a tree and tried to memorize what I saw. I jumped in the freezing lake. These are not especially unique to Kripalu, nor are they complicated, but it felt easier to say yes to them there.
Sometimes, facilitating moments with our bodies takes bravery. We know something could be good but it also scares us. On Sunday, my friend was debating going with me to a class called Yoga Dance. As you can imagine, this class is spent dancing (or vulnerable-ing). With a breathy exhale, she almost whispered I am brave enough to be embodied.
Me too. The day before, I had basically the same pep talk with myself: This is a new thing and new things feel scary! But you will probably love it! Yoga Dance was offered every single day while I was attending my YTT. Neither me nor my friend ever went to Yoga Dance. I was a little scared to go and try something different; looking back, I can still feel the flash of fear I felt in my stomach when I thought about going. Staci in 2023 came to Kripalu to be embodied. So, I danced.
I was not surprised to find myself fully with my body at Yoga Dance. I loved the music, my hands on my heart, my freedom to move fluidly. What a delight it was to be swept up in my body. What a delight to physically feel emotions moving through me with a mind free from chatter. At the end of Yoga Dance on Sunday, my friend and I found each other in the big room and hugged. Feeling embodied is one thing, but witnessing someone fully embodied is a true gift.
Kripalu acted as a mirror. Here’s who you were when you were here before, who are you now? How do you tend to your heart, your body? Now that I am home, I am chewing on this as I move through my daily routines which have much less spaciousness to feel embodied.
As an owner of a body, and as a person who works with a lot of body-owners: It can be wildly complex to have a body. But, it also can be simple, soft…
Are you hungry? Can I feed you?
Can I sit somewhere cozy?
Can I turn on the heater?
Can I get in bed earlier?
Can I take a breath right now and just feel what air feels like in my lungs?
Can we do something just for fun?
Can we dance? Or sing? Or paint? Or color?
Can I cry? Grieve? Feel the longings of my heart?
Can I be with what is right here, right now?
References and resources:
1Journeys of Embodiment at the Intersection of Body and Culture. The Developmental Theory of Embodiment. Niva Piran. 2017
Online Yoga Dance (This is Jurian! She led me through my first Yoga Dance class)
Dance Church (Not exactly the same but still free-flowing dance at home!)
Beautifully written!